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| NEW
OFFICE POLICY
Dress
Code:
1) You are advised to come
to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing
Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well
financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress
poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy
nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you
dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do
not need a raise.
Sick
Days:
We will no longer accept a
doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the
doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104
personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement
Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should
be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your
place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral
should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to
work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour
early.
Bathroom
Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the
end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the
picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health
policy.
Lunch Break: (Love this
one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size
people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their
average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because
that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for
your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment
experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed
elsewhere.
The Management
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| Summer Classes for Men at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, July 31th,
2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday
12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is
It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To
Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00
PM , location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How
to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors. | | |
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